Category Archives: Proclamations

The Craziest Thing about Bilgewater

Written in the 12th month, on the 5th day of the month, in the year of the Chief Dragon Slayer, 2012, to new Slayers undergoing rigorous training: Greetings! Do you want to know the craziest thing of all about that dung-encrusted Bilgewater? It is this (plug your ears): BILGEWATER BELIEVES IN THE MIGHTY ONE! Yes,Continue Reading

Combating the Greatest Lie

Written in the 11th month, on the 28th day of the month, in the year of the Chief Dragon Slayer, 2012, to new Slayers undergoing rigorous training: Greetings! Many, many otherwise intelligent people have believed Bilgewater’s greatest lie—that the Mighty One does not even exist. And that is why we Slayers of the Order mustContinue Reading

The Greatest Lie: Revealed At Last

Written in the 11th month, on the 21st day of the month, in the year of the Chief Dragon Slayer, 2012, to new Slayers undergoing rigorous training: Greetings! Bilgewater continued, “So clever is your mind, it makes you far more clever than the Mighty One, does it not? And if you are cleverer than theContinue Reading

The Greatest Lie (continued) (alas, one more time)

Written in the 11th month, on the 14th day of the month, in the year of the Chief Dragon Slayer, 2012, to new Slayers undergoing rigorous training: Greetings! As I was saying, centuries ago people said, “The Mighty One alone knows why stones fall straight to the ground when dropped from third-story windows.” The keyContinue Reading

The Greatest Lie (continued) (again) (and again)

Written in the 11th month, on the 7th day of the month, in the year of the Chief Dragon Slayer, 2012, to new Slayers undergoing rigorous training: Greetings! Are you now ready? Have you taken up your Armor? Are you prepared to hear Bilgewater’s lie of lies? Good! It began, oh, about 200 years ago.Continue Reading

The Greatest Lie (continued) (again)

Written in the 10th month, on the 31th day of the month, in the year of the Chief Dragon Slayer, 2012, to new Slayers undergoing rigorous training: Greetings! As I said, Bilgewater will use its powers to persuade you that the greatest lie of all is true! So employ your Armor immediately! Cinch the BeltContinue Reading

The Greatest Lie (continued)

Written in the 10th month, on the 24th day of the month, in the year of the Chief Dragon Slayer, 2012, to new Slayers undergoing rigorous training: Greetings! Well now, I have escaped Cringe Liver’s clutches. And I shall reveal Bilgewater’s greatest lie momentarily, but first I must prepare you for it. Guard yourself, DragonContinue Reading

The Greatest Lie

Chief Dragon Slayer, 2012, to new Slayers undergoing rigorous training: Greetings! I hate to ruin your day, I really do. But now is the time to tell you about the worst thing in the world that Bilgewater did, ever. First I must restate the truth about Bilgewater. The truth is this: nothing that Bilgewater says—nothing!—isContinue Reading

A Message from the Comforting Ghost

A Message from the Comforting Ghost Written in the 10th month, on the 10th day of the month, in the year of the Chief Dragon Slayer, 2012, to new Slayers undergoing rigorous training: Greetings! Has anyone ever betrayed your trust in such a hideous, sniveling manner as Bilgewater did to me? Why, I am readyContinue Reading

Burning with Anger

Written in the 10th month, on the 3rd day of the month, in the year of the Chief Dragon Slayer, 2012, to new Slayers undergoing rigorous training: Greetings! Imagine my alarm when, upon my asking Bilgebuddy for the work he promised to produce, I discovered that not only had he done no work at all,Continue Reading