Written in the 9th month, on the 12th day of the month, in the year of the Chief Dragon Slayer, 2012, to new Slayers undergoing rigorous training: Greetings!
Oh for petesake! Do you realize how embarrassed I was to have vomited in front of you last week? Well I was. I was humiliated. But humiliation often accompanies the work of slaying dragons and do not forget it!
It can happen when you least expect it (humiliation, that is, not the vomiting). I cannot tell you how many Senior Dragon Slayers of Old suffered humiliation. Why, even the Chief Dragon Slayer endured scorching humiliation. Are you greater than the Chief Slayer? No, of course you are not, nor am I—although sometimes I act as if I am greater than he. Last week I believe I gave the impression that my research skills are unparalleled—that is to say, my skills are greater than the Chief Slayer’s, or those of the Pater Perfectus, or the Comforting Ghost.
One of you kindly wrote to me and pointed out my arrogance. And because you pointed it out so gently, I came to understand what you were telling me. Well, OK, I’ll admit that at first I was furious—I repeat: I WAS FURIOUS!!—but I am now past my fury, and I do thank you (you know who you are, and I will not divulge your name or your secret mark) for setting me, well . . . um . . . right.
And now you can all see why I had to puke whilst writing to you. I was under a most severe attack by Braggen. It preys on my most vulnerable spot (also known as my pride, my pride, my pride), and Braggen’s stench is so disgustingly vile it sends my innards to running backwards. Yes, backwards. Or perhaps I should say upwards. Meaning that what has already gone down, suddenly comes back up: revolting lumps of undigested porridge, along with a reddish-brown stew of decomposing beefy bits, tomatoes, green peas and kidney beans.
Do you not agree that vomiting in front of a large audience is embarrassing? Enough said. And now I’m out of time and shall have to continue this next week.
Your fellow Slayer,